[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?