@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

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@YeahDrewisOn

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@iRowlf

I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@jonnysun

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@dadmann_walking

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.