Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
That explains alot
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.