I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.