I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
so weird how every mom was born today
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?