I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.