I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

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brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok


“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel


Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends


[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee


Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.


How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way


me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee


It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.