I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
the simulation is moving too fast
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows