@MariasWestSide

I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…

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@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@iheartgunts

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

@ArfMeasures

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

@Hey_Sascha

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.

@treydayway

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

@ericonederful

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.