@MariasWestSide

I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…

You Might Also Like

@Demented_Jokes

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@RodLacroix

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

@JoParkerBear

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

@RobotThomas

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

@sarcasticmommy4

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

@ozzyunc

Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.