I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…

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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.


After a couple of glasses of wine, I realise that I am so charming I should be charming even louder


Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back


Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb


I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.


wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep


I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.


*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”


s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic