I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…

You Might Also Like


The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.


To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.


My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.


MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!


Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.


How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?


I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.


Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.