me: what kind of dog is that?
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.
P.S. Bring a spider.