I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.