I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Cats (2019)
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing