“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text