I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.