‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.