@Cheeseboy22

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

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@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@david8hughes

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

@smedlee

If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake

@ThaJawn

Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached

-later that day-

Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!

@MumInBits

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

@Lisa_Laughs_

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

@JohnASinclair

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

@lyric_intent

It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too

@Eden_Eats

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.