[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached
-later that day-
Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.
It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.