I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.


Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*


The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.


I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.


(1st day as a doctor)

Me:No heartbeat

Nurse:Sir,heart is on left side

Me:Ohh,is it

Patient:(Staring at me as if I had kissed his wife)