I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?