Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
(1st day as a doctor)
Nurse:Sir,heart is on left side
Patient:(Staring at me as if I had kissed his wife)