@Wine_Honey1

I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.

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@UncleDuke1969

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

@peachesanscream

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

@t_cuppp

Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.

@SCOOPISMS

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

@howe007

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

@Eric_Bader

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

@marebytes

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

@KyleMcDowell86

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this