I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.

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When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.


The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.


Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.


When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.


Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.


FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.


Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.


[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this