If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
me: i’m late
me: it’s yours
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“The dub isn’t that bad, try it you’ll like it”
“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”
*silently writes him out of my will*