Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum