I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.


Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.


Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.


8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!


*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!


And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.


Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?


“The dub isn’t that bad, try it you’ll like it”

The dub:


“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*