@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

- @AnneM69

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@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@SortaBad

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

@amydillon

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@ilayew

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

@IamEveryDayPpl

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

@envydatropic

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

@TheBoydP

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

@DaddyJew

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8