It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.