I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.


Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.


The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.


villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]


my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks


Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.


Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.