I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
You Might Also Like
Poetry is my passion
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.