Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.