I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.