I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.