I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Vodka burrito was a success
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.