Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
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my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[eats all your cotton candy]