Okay, I’m still confused…
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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.