I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.