“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.