“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Ion see the issue
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist