“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
You Might Also Like
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Seems kinda suspicious
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
S M O L
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*puts cutlery down*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one