I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.