@thepaulasuzanne

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

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@Swishergirl24

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@JakeAupperle

Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.

#cashierlife

@1Bad_Scientist

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

@DirtMcTurd

“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
-The Government

@theguywitheyes

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

@mattchew81

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg