Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg