@Swishergirl24
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
@thepaulasuzanne
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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@Swishergirl24
@CAshmanActor
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
@JakeAupperle
Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.#cashierlife
@1Bad_Scientist
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
@DirtMcTurd
“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
-The Government
@CotysGotThis
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
@theguywitheyes
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
@causticbob
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
@mattchew81
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
@offbeatoliv
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg