I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Interior design 👌
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
i baked you a cake
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor