I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual