“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
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Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.