@MrsRupertPupkin

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

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@SondraDeeMe

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

@sofarrsogud

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

@ClichedOut

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

@Mostly_Cheese

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

@kelownagoose

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.

@vlowgoes

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

@BoomBoomBetty

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@bornmiserable

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.