[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?