I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.

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If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


Autocorrect just changed cycle-path to psychopath and now my blind date doesn’t want to meet me in the park.


People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work


Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.


Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”


her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem


I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.


My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”