@kwirkyKerri

I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.

You Might Also Like

@EyeSeeYou619

If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

@NotThatKristi

My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”

@realHamOnWry

Autocorrect just changed cycle-path to psychopath and now my blind date doesn’t want to meet me in the park.

@junejuly12

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

@ShineMyShit

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

@i_zzzzzz

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

@tweetsbyrocket

her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem

@BrennanMichaelP

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

@Tierno158

My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”