*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms