I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
You Might Also Like
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My Guy
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.