@dumbbeezie: I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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@geo_teira: [at a restaurant] Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out. Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.
@c12h22o11balls: Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch Exec: oh boy here we go Tim Burton: it’s a love story Exec: go on Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town Exec: sounds pretty cute actually Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands Exec: there it is
@NickSchug: Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person's eyes I want them to whisper "Ew, ew, ew, ew." while doing it.
@savvystrider: The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.