I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
huge if true: the moon
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*