@dumbbeezie: I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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@RidiculousSheri: My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I'm the racecar, sometimes I'm the iron. But usually I'm a peanut because I've lost all the game pieces.
@iRowlf: I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
@ThRealBallsDeep: Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled "shoo", but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
@krisv_723: Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital. That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.