I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.