I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.