I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.