How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.