I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.