@Gupton68

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

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@MrGirlDad

I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.

@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@RoquiRock

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

@ericsshadow

Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*

@im_not_smug

Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!

@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

@AtticusFinch79

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.