@Gupton68

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

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@MykaFox

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

@stephenjmolloy

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

@sensual_dad

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

@Bob_Janke

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

@gwatts77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.