I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them