i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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