I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
What the hell is going on?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did