I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
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Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.