I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol


OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.


I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction


[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.


The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.


If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…


Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.


Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room


[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.