Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Always the vampires

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.