@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

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@amusedkerching

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@niccolethurman

*googles how to cook something*

Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.

@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Guess what?
ME: What?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!

@ellorysmith

my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

@JayUhOh

Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.

@hunz74

I quit drinking and my beer belly is now a pot belly.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.