I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

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If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.


I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.


You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.


The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.


Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy


My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.


Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”


Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.


dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance