I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
These are my roll models.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.